A child of God.

There are some days in my life when some things feel just right. Yesterday was one of those days.

I had a below average day at work and felt quite unmotivated. My recent return to the construction industry has knocked the wind out of my sails a little.No matter, I am in work everyday by 7am and deep down I know I am good at what I do. (even though I don’t like it).

After a hard day I went to speak at a networking event and then quickly got changed to train a client in the Gym. The client left at about 7:30pm and I got changed and started my own training session.

Now you are probably thinking “come on Tom this is standard stuff” bear with me.

When I train I often read motivational quotes in between sets. This is not a recognised training tool but it works for me. I have loads store in the memo section of my Blackberry.

Last night I re-read a speech that has been attributed to Nelson Mandela, but may actually be by a writer called Marianne Williamson either way, I am sure most of you have heard it. It reads:

 ”Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I was first shown the words by my therapist. I have since read the words probably a hundred times. (a copy hangs on our fridge) I have read the words but last night I finally understood the words.

“We ask ourselves,who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God.”

“You are a child of God” those words are so simple but last night they meant so much.

During my struggles I often look for help from different people in my life. Maybe I have been looking in the wrong place. Maybe I have been blaming the wrong people. I have often prayed and asked why me? I have spent many years away from God as I blamed him for my failings. Maybe the help support and guidance has been with me all the time. The reason I am still here is because I am a child of God and he loves me. The reason I didn’t drink myself to death is because I am a child of God. The work I do is for a greater purpose than me, it is for others who need my help and support. Could my life be that simple? I think it may be.

Knowing that someone loves you can make life so simple. All the angst about my own father and mother  settled in my head during that training session last night. I have woken this morning with a sense that I am not alone in my fight against my demons. I have the help and support of my Father and he loves me. I am a child of God.

There is another quote that I read last night.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

I intend to do all I can to change people’s futures.

Live the Life

Tom

Easy Answer?

Is suicide ever the answer?

This is a question that has entered my head many times over my life. It continues to enter my head as my recovery has its inevitable highs and lows. Some people think that the day you stop drinking that your problems are over. Far from it. These last few months have again seen me enter a dark period where I thought there was only one answer.

The first time I ever thought about suicide was when I was 9 years old. I didn’t realise I was contemplating suicide at the time.
All I wanted was for the arguments to stop!
All I wanted to be able to lay at the side of my mum and dad and have a story read to me. Being read to whilst having my mum stroking my longish freshly washed hair. Smells of happiness whilst my dads expressive Belfast voice reads fluffy children’s stories. I would fall to sleep whilst being read to and would be gently lifted into my bed where they would both gently kiss me goodnight before switching off my light and wishing me sweet dreams.

All I wanted was to be normal.
On this particular night the arguments had reached breaking point, my breaking point. My parents could go at this all night every night. I could not. I got out of bed in my pyjamas and sat on the stairs. I hope to be brave enough to shout at them to stop. I hoped that the sight of me on the stairs might remind them why they where together. They never saw me, I didn’t exist in their rage.
I looked down the stairs and started to think about what would happen if I threw myself down the stairs. They would have to stop rowing then, wouldn’t they? I would at the very least be knocked out. That would stop the noise in my head, wouldn’t it? Then it suddenly occurred to me. I may die. If I did it right I wouldn’t wake up it would all be over then, wouldn’t it? I started to cry softly at first and then uncontrollably it became so loud that the living room door burst open and my father appeared who issued those immortal words “what are you crying about? Get to bed or I will give you something to cry about!!” No gentle talks or words of comfort not in my world. And with that I ran for my life back to my room and hid daring not to breathe for the rest of the night.
My life has been like that for years since. Moments of thinking the noise and thoughts in my head will disappear if I throw myself down the stairs,put a belt around my neck, crash the car into a motorway bridge or drink myself to death.
Why then can I never bring myself to do it?

Having my kids and Zoe around me over the past years has certainly played a part. Zoe has always given me the love I’d needed. True unconditional love.
Then I go and let them down by having a fit of rage and allowing “Nasty Tom” and “Nasty Dad” back into their life. My inability to show or feel love consistently leaves me feeling angry!!

I am tired of feeling this way.

I am tired of being judged.

I just want to be read a bedtime story and taken to bed safe.

I just want the noise to stop!

Of course suicide is not my answer.

My answer to suicide is to know and understand those feelings and to turn them into positives.
To accept that some people will never believe that I am a good person and to learn to see it as their failing not mine.

My answer to suicide is to truly face my fear of failure and to never give in to it.

My answer to suicide is to accept the world for everything it is good and bad.

To take some words from the Desiderata.

“With all it’s sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.”

Sadly for some it is the answer and I fully understand their decision but I will fight on for another day, one day at a time.

Stay strong!
Live the Life
Tom

Abandonment

 ’Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.

But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.

But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ Luke 15:29~32

I have been reading and thinking about these verses. I need to understand the feelings of abandonment I have felt over the last twenty-four hours.

My brother returned home from rehab yesterday. He has managed to get himself thrown off the rehab programme. Although having spent six weeks away I fear that he has not fully embraced the rehab process. I think I probably knew this at the time I dropped him off. His inability to engage in the process is both frustrating and upsetting.

During the last six weeks I have found my mother again, and my children have renewed their relationship with their grandmother. This years mothers day was the first in ten years that I can remember spending quality time with my own mother. We went out for mother’s day lunch and had a lovely afternoon.

Whilst my brother was away I spent hours talking to her about the role she plays in enabling his addiction. We spoke openly about the emotional abuse she has suffered over the last fifteen years or so. We spoke about the future, more importantly we spoke about the future in a positive way.

For the first time in years I felt like I had a mother again. I felt our relationship growing stronger. It felt good, it felt really good.

When I called her last night already knowing Adrian was back she lied instantly.  I asked her what was happening and she replied “nothing is happening” and with those words my heart was ripped out and my mothers love died again. Adrian was back in the house and she instantly turned her back on the son who truly loves her and the grand children who need that love in their young lives.

How and why does a mother choose one child over another. Is it because she believes that I am ok and that I do not need her. Is it that the abuse she suffers from Adrian has gone on so long she cannot do without it or is it a simple case that she just loves him more than the rest of us.

‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours

I think this is the line I will focus on and hold onto the belief that my mothers love is so strong that I just can’t see it.  It is then my failing not hers.

Live the Life

Tom

Berlin Wall

I have recently had the pleasure of visiting the City of Berlin. I was asked to speak at a conference for a large drug company. They wanted me to tell the real story of being an alcoholic. Not the story that they get told on a daily basis by GP’s and “alcohol specialists”. They needed to hear a first hand account of the cause and consequence.

To speak at such an event shows how far I have come over the past four and a half years.

The fact this conference was in Berlin was something that made it even more special. As we all know Berlin is a city that is synonymous with hardship, devastation and destruction. Something I can relate well with. The history of the city is well documented and one that sometimes makes for difficult reading, again, something I can relate well with.

Berlin is now a city that flys the flag of change and acceptance. I have said in my previous blog that”acceptance of our past allows us to accept our future” The people of Berlin have accepted their past and are now creating their future.

They have not hidden away from their past which would have been easy to do. The holocaust memorial is testament to that. This is not a memorial that you can miss. Designed by U.S architect Peter Eisenman the vast concrete jungle covers a large area of Berlin. The decision to go ahead with such a memorial is one that I am sure took courage.  It took someone with huge balls to stand up and say~

 ”we must never forget our past! We must never hide from our past! We and our children must learn from our past!”

The German people are also very proud to say who they are now and how great their country is. The wonderful Reichstag building is so powerful, with huge german flags flying proudly from every direction. This says to me that our past has made us stronger.

Being able to openly talk about our past, I believe, is a fundamental process in our recovery as alcoholics. If we continue to remain anonymous about our illness how will we ever expect people to understand and accept our illness.

It is widely accepted that by teaching our children about the horrors of war that they will engage in dialect to resolve their problems rather than “going to war” Having a continuous dialect with our young people allows them to make informed choices and reduces common prejudice and misconceptions. I believe this is the way forward for my role in changing attitudes towards alcoholism and the recovery of alcoholism.

If we can be open and honest to our children about our past and give them all the information then they can make an informed choice about the dangers of alcohol and also the illness of alcoholism.

I believe I have the ability to tear down the Wall.

Live the Life!

Tom

www.tomfitzsimons.co.uk

Cause and Consequence.

If I am not responsible for the Cause how can I be responsible for the Consequence?

This was something I said to myself whilst thinking about my own situation driving to London last week.

Let me try to explain. Have you ever stepped on a plug or tripped over something that has been left on the floor by someone else. Apart from the pain,  you then fill with anger that someone has done this to you. Quite quickly the pain is magnified and the situation is blown out of proportion. The consequence of your extreme pain was not your fault it was someone elses!!

Now imagine the same situation only this time you are responsible for leaving the plug you have stepped on or the object you have tripped over. There is a little less anger this time because you are to blame for all your pain, you could have prevented it, you are to blame for the consequences. Less anger equals a diffused situation and your day continues.

The pain is still the same, standing on a plug is bloody sore, but the two situations take different parallels of consequence. The same consequence’s take different lengths of time to come to terms with.

As an addict I think that is what makes our recovery so hard. When I go through the cause section of my presentation I talk about Racism, bullying, shyness,death of a parent, culture and moving to a new country. All things I did not choose!

The feeling associated with such acts as racism and death are expressed through different ways. For me it was through violence and alcohol. For others its drugs or food.

The majority of alcoholics did not choose their causes, so how can they be responsible for the consequence? I often hear people saying that we choose to drink. That we have chosen this lifestyle. We chose little or none of it. For most of us all we did wrong was take a drink of alcohol which, when I last checked was still legal, in order to help deal with the stress. Something that is done by millions of people all over the world.

In order for us to get sober we have to come to understand our causes. Some take longer than others, some never come to terms with it. It is only when we arrive at this point of understanding that we can then move on.

I do not want people to think this is a “get out of jail free card” and that we take no responsibility for our actions. We must take responsibility but some of us take longer than others. This is the same with most things in life. Some get it, some do not.

I now choose my lifestyle. I make key decision about who I have in my life and who I do not. I can choose the food I eat and the clothes I wear. I have control over these things now.

I am now responsible for the cause so I can now accept the consequences.

Apply this to your life. Have a look at the decisions that you had no control over and see how you reacted to the consequences and then look at the decisions you made and how your reaction to the consequence differs.

Cause and Consequence are two words that have significant impact on everyone’s life. Our ability to have control over these words allows for a much happier life.

Live the Life

Tom

Yesterday

Yesterday was a tough day.

The key thing about that statement is that it was yesterday. There is nothing I or anyone else can do about yesterday! That, however, doesn’t get away from the fact that Yesterday was a tough day

At 5:15am my alarm went off. I got up and dressed and headed off on the longest journey of my life. I had arranged to pick my brother up at 6am so that we could drive down to Portsmouth for him to start to take control of his battle with drink and drugs.  Now that seems a simple task. I arrived with my usual bullish mannerism of  “Come on let’s do this!!” Very quickly though I knew that what I was doing was going to change my relationship with my brother forever.

Over the last few years my brother and I have had brief moments of unity. Our only common ground is that we are both alcoholics. There is no other common ground. If we where not brothers our lives would probably never cross. That is not to say I do not love him, I do and always will. We just don’t share the same outlook on life. Now you are probably thinking “well whats the problem Tom? You don’t like each other so how could things get any worse?” Well the thing is I always hoped that when we both eventually got sober that our relationship would get stronger. I want to have a relationship that involves going to the rugby or meeting for coffee of dare I say setting up in business. However I fear that my actions yesterday may have cemented the facts that our relationship is dead.

I never asked him how he felt about being driven 265 miles to be dropped off with complete strangers in a strange town. I never asked him if he wanted to enter the six month programme for a chance of recovery. I never asked because to be honest I didn’t care. I didn’t want to give him any chance to turn down this great opportunity to get his life back on track. I didn’t give him the opportunity to say the words no one wants to hear when dealing with an addict, “I’m not ready” or “I don’t want to go”.

He didn’t want to go and he made that quite clear when I went to hug him as I left him in the rehab centre he looked at me in disgust. He looked at me like I had betrayed him. He looked at me like I imagine Jesus looked at Judas. I took him to rehab for my beliefs not his. I took him to rehab as I hated watching him destroy his and those around him lives. I took him because I believe that he deserves to live a life, clean and sober. I took away his choice.

Is it wrong to make decisions for other people because of your own beliefs on how life should be led? Is it wrong for me to want my brother to be safe from harm? Is it wrong for me to be the enforcer? Is it wrong that I took away his right to choose?

I have never seen addiction from this side of the fence.

Only time will tell if I have done the right thing. Only time will tell if my brother forgives me for doing what I did. Only time will tell if Yesterday can ever be rebuilt.

For now all I can do is Hope.

Live the Life

Tom

don’t take me!

Addiction is my life long partner. It doesn’t care how much I hate it, it never goes away.

Addiction sleeps in my bed and enters my dreams. Even when I wake it never goes away.

Addiction plays near my children close enough to touch. No matter how I try to protect them, it never goes away.

Addiction hides and lays silent for years, but it never goes away.

Addiction walks with me every step, when I ask people if they can see it people shake their head,for me, it never goes away.

Addiction is all around us. It has taken friends and relatives and superstars I just pray that ,one day, it won’t take me.

Live the Life

Tom