A letter from an addict.

I have recently been given a letter. This letter was written by my father back in 1982. I have written about my father a few times and usually with a lot of anger. Anger towards my lost childhood , anger towards the physical and emotional violence and anger towards the fact that I never got a chance to ask him why he was like he was. My father died aged 39 long before I was emotionally mature enough to ask the appropriate questions.

This letter allows me to understand my father as a fellow addict. I was able to read this letter as though I had written it. It is open and honest. It is a man crying out for love. It is a man clinging on to a happy childhood memory as though his life depended on it. As an addict I understand this. I believe all we need is to feel the love.

Love never fails!

Dear Aunt Kate,

I wrote this poem at a time in my life when all I wanted to do was “end it all” , but I began to think of all the things that have happiness in my life and the days I found the most enjoyable were those days that I spent with you.

After I had written the poem things seemed much brighter,so with all of my heart I thank you for the gift of your love over the years.

If all this sounds a little “wishy- washy” I make no apology for it.

You have given me the most precious gift of all, the will to live and the knowledge that someone, somewhere will always love me, warts and all, for as long as you live.

With All My Love

John

8thMay1982

Despite the fact that this letter was written in 1982 the struggles facing addicts all over the world remain the same. Writing a letter in desperation is sometimes all we have.

This has to change.

We need love and compassion. We need understanding. We need acceptance of our illness.

If you are dealing with addiction in your life then you know this is true.

A letter to an Aunty or thoughts of suicide are not the solution to our illness, Love is.

Love Never Fails.

Live the Life

Tom

Do you want it?

When you want to succeed more than you want to breathe then you will be successful.

I heard this recently on a you tube video called “how bad do you want it”. The guy speaking is called Eric Thomas. He tells a tale of a young man who asks a guru how to be successful,

the guru tells him to meet him at the beach early the next day. To cut a long story short the guru gets the man to walk into the water, deeper, deeper until he reaches his mouth. The guru then grabs the man and holds him under the water the man struggles for breath and just before he is about to pass out the guru raises him from beneath the water and says the words

When you want to succeed more than you want to breathe then you will be successful.

Now I’m not trying to steal Eric Thomas’ thunder here. The speech moved me to tears. The speech shook me to the core! Everything I have done, Everything I am doing and Everything I am yet to do is being re evaluated!

The Guru for me is Jesus, and the water in which the man stood is my addiction. I can honestly say that I was gasping for air during my addiction. I still do sometimes. During those gasps of air all you want to do is die. All you want is for the pain of your past to be taken away and to be allowed some peace. I often think that is why so many addicts end up committing suicide. We just want to be able to draw breath. At the point at which I was about to “pass out” Jesus raised me up. He raised me up and spoke to me.

When you want to stay sober more than you want to breathe then you will stay sober.

I didn’t want to breathe that was the problem.

Living my life was such a day-to-day struggle of lies and deceit and violence that not breathing was a very good option. Being given a reason to breath was and still is vital to my recovery. For me I was given a reason in Zoe my partner and my four children. that was enough for me to listen to Jesus and say yes

“I want to stay sober more than I want to breathe”

My success was not in becoming sober, but the life of success that is to follow. The life with my family and my work. I think that is what has been missing in so many alcoholics lives. Getting sober is not the prize, it is the life you are given when you become sober, that is the prize.

There are times when you forget this and you switch off. I switched off and forgot to embrace the life of success that follows sobriety. I forgot that you have to continually work for the success you have, to continually work to want to breathe. I forgot that it is my duty to remind others of the life that awaits them when they choose to leave alcoholism behind. I need to be there when the lord Jesus speaks to them as he spoke to me. I need to show them the way, to be the gateway to a fruitful and happy life.

So the work begins again. No days off, no sleep, no limits, no one passes without my help!

So how bad do you want it?

Live The Life

Tom

Moments missed

I have achieved what I set out to achieve.

Three months ago I had to swallow a big slice of humble pie and go and get a “proper job”.
Having enjoyed almost two years pushing myself forward as a professional speaker and building my business, I finally admitted to myself that good positive feedback was not enough! I had to pay the bills.
Since then I have worked hard and paid one or two bills with my “spoils of War”. War is probably the most appropriate word for it. The Construction industry is in a mess! Aggression and abuse are second nature, poorly priced work with unachievable targets make for a poor work environment. The skills of the workforce have been over ridden by admin staff hell-bent on procedures for everything from ordering a shovel to wiping your arse!
As I mentioned in my last blog I have become quickly part of the problem with my natural aggression shining like a danger beacon for all to see. Well I have finally bitten the bullet and switched the light off. I will hand the car keys back on monday and return to an uncertain future.

Why?

“What do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed”  luke 9:25

Having the salary and the company car are meaningless if I have lost my self-respect. If I have lost my direction. If I have lost my faith.
I have learned over the years that if I am happy then my family are happy. My whole belief system around addiction recovery is that you put yourself first. In my eyes it’s the only way to recover.  I never want to see my family unhappy therefore I am going to make some changes to allow myself to smile again.
There are so many people I see who work hard but spend their lives missing the truly magical moments. In the three months since I started my “proper job” I have missed out on Orla and Oliver receiving certificates of achievements. I have missed their sports day and missed Orla’s Talent show. I have also managed to miss Niall’s yr8 graduation ceremony. These are moments that I will never get back. These are magical moments that make life worth while. These are moments that I am not going to miss again.

So I am now going to plan my next few months to maximise my family time and start showing them the love and support they have shown me.

Live the Life

Tom

A child of God.

There are some days in my life when some things feel just right. Yesterday was one of those days.

I had a below average day at work and felt quite unmotivated. My recent return to the construction industry has knocked the wind out of my sails a little.No matter, I am in work everyday by 7am and deep down I know I am good at what I do. (even though I don’t like it).

After a hard day I went to speak at a networking event and then quickly got changed to train a client in the Gym. The client left at about 7:30pm and I got changed and started my own training session.

Now you are probably thinking “come on Tom this is standard stuff” bear with me.

When I train I often read motivational quotes in between sets. This is not a recognised training tool but it works for me. I have loads store in the memo section of my Blackberry.

Last night I re-read a speech that has been attributed to Nelson Mandela, but may actually be by a writer called Marianne Williamson either way, I am sure most of you have heard it. It reads:

 “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I was first shown the words by my therapist. I have since read the words probably a hundred times. (a copy hangs on our fridge) I have read the words but last night I finally understood the words.

“We ask ourselves,who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God.”

“You are a child of God” those words are so simple but last night they meant so much.

During my struggles I often look for help from different people in my life. Maybe I have been looking in the wrong place. Maybe I have been blaming the wrong people. I have often prayed and asked why me? I have spent many years away from God as I blamed him for my failings. Maybe the help support and guidance has been with me all the time. The reason I am still here is because I am a child of God and he loves me. The reason I didn’t drink myself to death is because I am a child of God. The work I do is for a greater purpose than me, it is for others who need my help and support. Could my life be that simple? I think it may be.

Knowing that someone loves you can make life so simple. All the angst about my own father and mother  settled in my head during that training session last night. I have woken this morning with a sense that I am not alone in my fight against my demons. I have the help and support of my Father and he loves me. I am a child of God.

There is another quote that I read last night.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

I intend to do all I can to change people’s futures.

Live the Life

Tom